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There is an endless pit of sex misinformation on the internet. As someone whose job it is to report on sex and dating trends, I have come across more bewildering bedroom proclamations than most, many of which come from the bullhorns of very loud and very wrong men who like to pontificate about female pleasure.
I still recall one day on X, back when it was called Twitter, when my feed was full of women roasting the shit out of men. This was by no means an unusual occurrence, but the subject of this particular roasting was noteworthy. One male user had tweeted: “How do you fit both a vibrator and a dick in there?”
By “there,” he meant the vagina.
The baffling post was initially met with jokes (remember when Twitter had jokes?) but eventually evolved into a larger conversation about sexual gratification. Specifically, how so many heterosexual men seem to completely misunderstand women’s pleasure, and how they often cannot fathom that they may require some extra help in the bedroom — that their dick, and their dick alone, is not enough to bring women to earth-shattering, blackout orgasms.
In short, we have a major pleasure gap problem, and the data shows it isn’t anecdotal.
Cis women are four times more likely than cis men to say that recent sex wasn’t pleasurable at all. In one study, 91% of men said that they “usually” or “always” orgasm during sex, whereas only 39% of women said they consistently come during intercourse. The study concluded that while an orgasm for women is pleasurable in these situations, it’s “ultimately incidental.”
“Most people do not reach orgasm from vaginal penetration alone,” says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD. “Orgasms from clitoral stimulation are considered the most common of all orgasms.”
Research has shown time and time again that for people with vulvas, some sort of clitoral stimulation needs to happen for an orgasm to occur. The largest-ever orgasm study, published in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy in 2017, found that 36.6% of American women required clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm, compared to the 18.4% of women who said that vaginal penetration alone was sufficient to come.
The good news is that cunnilingus, fingering and, especially, vibrators are all solutions to the absentee orgasm. “A vibrator not only helps to stimulate the clitoris during penetrative sex, but also provides different rhythms, patterns and intensities that hands alone can’t replicate,” explains Dominnique Karetsos, sexual wellness advisor for MysteryVibe.
Take It From a Woman: You Should Let Your Partner Use Her Vibrator on You
Why should she get to have all the fun?This isn’t exactly new information. It’s been 28 years since Sex and the City‘s iconic “Rabbit” episode aired and broke down certain stigmas surrounding female masturbation and the use of vibrators. Meanwhile, the global sex toy market is projected to reach $62.7 billion by 2030. Many individuals and couples alike are using and enjoying vibrators, yet a social stigma persists.
“We erroneously believe that because sex is a natural act, all sex acts must come naturally,” O’Reilly says. “This, of course, is not the case. In fact, those who use sexual accouterments like lube and sex toys report higher sexual functioning and greater sexual satisfaction.”
Sometimes we avoid using sex toys because we worry that using them is evidence something is lacking in our own sex life, explains O’Reilly. Unfounded, sexist theories have contributed to the idea that some orgasms are innately better than others (Freud theorized that mature women achieve climax from vaginal stimulation alone).
Additionally, we’ve put a huge amount of scrutiny on dicks in general. Conversations about size and the “ideal” length are endless. Sexual performance anxiety is incredibly common for men; if you can’t get it up or to completion, there’s often a huge amount of shame involved. It’s no wonder some men feel insecure or offended at the idea of their partner needing some extra help. Some men may feel that reaching for a toy or a bottle of lube indicates a lack of skill, but in reality, it demonstrates a desire to create a more pleasurable experience for his partner.
If you care about making your partner feel good, there’s a strong chance using a vibrator will make doing so much easier. The first step, though, is to have an open, honest, judgment-free conversation with your partner about what they like and are interested in trying.
The next step is to get a vibrator. Thankfully, there is a vibrator for seemingly every sexual need. With the help of a few sexperts, we’ve highlighted some of the best vibes that’ll help you both get where you need to be every time. Well, most of the time anyway.
“Designed to be worn internally during P-V intercourse, the We-Vibe Chorus vibes against the G-spot internally and the clitoris externally. It also provides rumbly sensations to the shaft of the penis.” — O’Reilly
“This rabbit vibrator is a great option for both beginners and seasoned sex toy owners who want to add an approachable dual-stimulation toy to their collection. The Lovehoney Mon Ami line has some amazing-looking toys, and they are more affordable than other brands. I specifically like that this toy lacks rabbit ‘ears,’ which allows for diffused stimulation of the clitoris.” — Javay Frye-Nekrasova, sex educator at Lovehoney
“The We-Vibe Pivot is designed to be worn during P-V intercourse. It vibes against the base of the shaft as well as the external clitoris in almost any position.” — O’Reilly
“Poco is a great beginner vibrator for partner play. Its bendable form makes it easy to shape in a way that’s most comfortable for you and your partner. The buttons are also easy to maneuver, or you can control it via the MysteryVibe app for a fun way to let your partner take control.” — Karetsos
“This is a revolutionary toy. It uses waves of air designed specifically for the sensitive nerve endings of the clitoral head. It creates a unique sensation that is a cross between sucking, licking, kissing and vibing. It can be used with a partner or solo.” — O’Reilly
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